Monday, April 22, 2013

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Say a little prayer

So I had an emergency caesarian last Saturday. Mamon is officially out 20th of April 2013. Born 32 weeks 5 days, 29 weeks gestational age. Weighting 1.2kg.

I'll blog about the delivery experience later, today I wanna ask a little prayer for our little guy. He needs to stay in the NICU for at least 6 weeks.

Okay, I'll admit the financial part is gonna be tough. It's about $1400 per day. With no insurance, and just a min date of 6 weeks. It's gonna be a bomb. Sure we got savings. Friends and relatives offering financial assistance. But it's gonna be a bomb.

We need prayers. That he gain enough weight fast. That he develop no other complications.

It's a pain. Watching him. Looking at how small and fragile he is. He's the smallest in the NICU. I see his spines when he tries to breath. When he tries to stretch it looks painful and so hard it breaks my heart. He's beautiful. Yet its painful to watch him.

He's making a lot of progress. He's out of oxygen support. Clearly surviving the room temp. He can open his eyes. At least he tries to when he hears me. He moves a lot. He managed to smile or smirk (taking from his dad). He still has iv attached which from experience is not a very comfortable feeling and being too small I wonder how much pain it brings him.

I wish I can give him the extra weight he needs. I have so much. I'll give everything if I have to. I wish I can help him breath. That he don't and won't need to use up all his little power. I wish I can take the IV gor him so that he don't need to feel the needle pain. I wish I can take his place so that he can happily play around.

I wish I wasn't so arrogant in taking IVf with no insurance. I wish I wasn't so arrogant in having pregnancy without insurance.

I wish I have eaten more while pregnant. I wish I have drunk milk. I wish I ate that damn durian. I wish I stopped moving on my 3rd tri. I wish I didn't stress myself about that damn isda in the office. I wish I took care of mamon better while in tummy. I wish I had prayed more.

I wish that that morning I didnt stand up until Duki woke up so that I didn't have spotting. I wish I didn't move around much that day. I wish I just stayed put in bed.

I see Duckie is tired. I just had cs. Much as I want to push myself to do more now, I'd hate for any complication to me.

I'm hating myself for so much limitations I got. For always feeling tired, for being dependent when I want to manage things instead. I'm hating myself for just watching and having no power to help.
I'm hating myself for ordering Duk to do this and that when I really want to do it myself.

Just now I hate myself for blogging now but being too tired and falling asleep thereby missing the 8pm visit to mamon. How can u be so irresponsible?

I'm feeling so helpless and out of control. Is this post patrum? Much as I pretend I'm ok, happy and positive. There are moments when I just have to cry myself
out.
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2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Praying for you/Mamon in Germany.

Anonymous said...

Take care of yourself first gal so that you can take care of mamon. Dont think about the things you could have done in the past, instead look forward to the things you could do for mamon.

God will bless you and mamon.

Best Regards, kkivf blog