Fear

Every time I look at Mamon, I feel sad and scared. I feel sad that he's not normal like Pao. I feel scared for what the future holds for him. I fear for him when I'm gone.

But I take life like being on a boat. I don't know his future. I don't know if he can swim across to safety. So I paddle. Paddle hard and strong. I will keep doing it. Until my last breath. The nearer he gets to shore the better his chances will be.

I wish I have someone to help me paddle. Sucks. Yeah. But I will just have to paddle harder. In time, Paopao will be strong enough to help me. I need him to be strong enough for both of them. 

To be fair to Paopao, I will not stop him in case he decides to jump ship like his Dad. But. I will try my best for him to understand. As they said in Lion King, Ohana means family. And family means nobody gets left behind. I have huge trust in Paopao. In fact, God gave me Paopao even before I realized I needed him.

Autism moms be like... I definitely cannot die. Not even of old age.