Focus

The best advice I received: "Focus on what you need rather than what they deserve."

They deserve pain but you deserve peace. Use what you have to get that peace.  

I am a work in progress. From time to time, I might and feel angry. I am human. But I chose to be the better person and standby my belief that despite the problems and flaws you are a good person.

To my friends and family, who stayed with me and advised me to stay strong. Perhaps you may find this decision strange. And may find me stupid. My biggest fault in my life is that I have loved and continue love. With all that I've got. Choosing to trust. And standing by my belief that my decision to have married him before was correct. He is a good person. With flaws and all. But a good person just the same. He may have thought of scheming against me. For whatever reasons. Anger? Love for another person? But it does not make him less of a human to my eyes. I chose to forgive despite not receiving the apology that I deserve. He is after all the father of my children and the person that I have chosen to love. I hope that choosing this path does not  make me regret it.  I hope you guys understand me. I'm sorry if I kept changing my mind.

To you Duckie, you asked, "So shall we go for counselling?" I don't know if you meant let's go for marriage counselling or work this out. If you did, then If only. If only. If only you started your sentence with "I'm sorry".  Or. If you started your sentence with "I love you". Perhaps. Perhaps I can give this another try. But then again. Maybe not. See. I'm right. Despite all the problems, I am right about you. You are exactly the same person that I met. You could have lied and said those words. But you didn't. You didn't even lie that you love her. And that is one of the reasons why I'm forgiving you even if you didn't apologize. Because I know you never apologize. And I accepted you for that. In fact, like all the other fights we had in the past. Let me apologise. Apologise for all the things I shared about you with people who maybe schemed to get back at you. I'm sorry for allowing people to use me against you. I'm sorry for going to the same level as what your Mom did to me. For all that I've done to help in moulding you to be this way. I had a huge part on why you became this way. Why you seek what you seek. I really apologise. I hope you see my sincerity this time.  I'm saying this with no sarcasm or evil thoughts. Love. It will stay there forever. But trust is a different issue. And respect. I deserved to be loved and respected. I chose to love and respect myself over you. I chose my kids over you. Here's the honest truth, sometimes I wish that you would just fight for your love and leave with her. Let us be on our own. Don't wish us ill. Just go ahead and enjoy your life. But do not be greedy. Do not try to get the best of both worlds. Its enough that you hurt us. Don't continue to hurt us. We will be fine. Give us the freedom that we deserve but do take care. Because we will continue to care wherever you choose to go. Do not stay because she chose to leave you. Please do not. You owe me this much. Come to us because you chose us. Do not come to us because you have no other choice. Because you do have a choice. Choose to be happy. Follow your heart. If you need advise I will forever be more than happy to give you one without any evil motives.

To you Lizard, they all say you are the vulnerable one. I defended Duckie. The Duckie I know is the vulnerable one. He could never be the culprit. But all the evidences that are shared to me by people close to you and people close to me, show me that both of you are aware of what you have done. That you both tried to scheme on me despite my refusal for a fight.  You just had to hurt me and get everything when I was so willing to let you both go. I do not know what I have done to you or Duckie to deserve this. You can love. By all means do so. But leave us out of it. If you have issues with your family then do not seek sympathy from Duckie or any other man for that matter. If you are unhappy with your marriage then leave it. I don't know if both of you are just paranoids to think I was scheming. I never planned anything. I could have done so as early as February. But no. I am a strong supporter of true love. If you love him go for it. Fight for it. But as a mother, I will never ever understand, what you have done. You chose another man over your kids. That will never happen to me. You allowed your kids to experience this trauma. You believe  you are the victim. No dear. No. You are not. I cannot provide the same sex service you granted my husband. Sex text, sex phone, kissing, touching, oral or all the way. Whatever. It does not matter. You the vulnerable Lizard who shamelessly said, "I'm tired papa" when caught will forever be in my book of records. I have not met anyone as vulnerable as you (Please note the sarcasm here now). Stop the victim act. 

To you Mr Victim Hubby, we may have met in a very awkward unpleasant situation. But I saw a good person in you. I'm glad people like you exist. I hope I am not wrong. I fear that you could be using me for your own motives. But I chose to trust you. I wish you and your family well. I hope we all survive this. I hope you learn to respect and value yourself. You deserve so much better.  I wish we could have met at different times when we could be friends. I see a good friend in you. Please be happy. Loving is good. But for others to love us, we have to love ourselves. Note to you (and for myself as well): It's okay to love, but leave some for yourself.

For myself, a small note before you forgive, remember that they tried to get away with it. But it should not hinder you from moving on and removing the weight. With all these said, I know we are just beginning. It will be a long and painful process. Hope all of us survive. Nothing but happiness for all of us. Keep your focus. Do not be distracted. To not be swayed. Remember your worth. A person who wouldn't even apologize and admit his mistake does not respect you. A person who loves another yet tries to come back does not respect you. A person who wants you back for the kids does not love you. A person who doesn't even want you back is not worth hoping for. Simple. Remember your worth.

Focus on what you deserve rather than what they deserve.