Autism (a mother's perspective)

After our IVF journey, Mamon and I are on another journey. July 2015 when the Pedia first told us that Mamon is having signs of ADHD. That he could be "delayed". She referred us to speech therapy. We were in DENIAL. Maybe he just don't like talking. Like his dad. *dead silence* Maybe he is an introvert like his dad. *dead silence*

The doctor gave us Vayarin. She said it's better than fish oil. That it could help Mamon. In fact, this was prescribed to Paopao as well.

Image Source: http://specialeducation.departments.pwcs.edu/

I know I have to be scientific about it. But no matter how many doctors I talk to. No matter how much I googled. There's just no answer.

I blame myself. If only, maybe, if I better diet while pregnant with him. Then maybe he won't be autistic. I blame myself. If only, maybe, if I better diet while pregnant with him, then maybe he wouldn't need to stay in NICU for a month and be subjected to so many medicine. I blame myself. If only, maybe, I waited and didn't do IVF maybe he won't be autistic. I blame myself. Maybe if I took more time to talk to him and teach him then maybe he would have developed better  and not be called autistic. I blame myself. Maybe if I wasn't too strict or cronbased then he would be more interactive and not be called autistic. I blame myself. Maybe. Or maybe not just maybe. I'm not a good mother.

I blame myself. If only I'm not too busy then I can go with him in his lessons to catch up. Maybe I can send him and pick him up everyday. Spend more interactive time. Maybe he can catch up.

It's very stressful. I need time for him. Without sacrificing my job else we can't pay for his treatments. Without sacrificing Paopao else we end up with 2 problems and besides he deserves equal attention.

Lord help.