Count your blessings

 Life has been so tiring and stressful these past few weeks with Covid finally breaking into our safe space.

I have never felt like a single parent as much as I have these past weeks. Perhaps having to take care of Dandan 24x7 has helped slapped autism reality to me harder than it ever had.

I was at the brink of depression. So sad for Dandan. So sad for Yummy. So disappointed of myself. So tired. So insecure about job. So insecure about life. So disappointed at what I have become and what I could give my children.

I cried myself to sleep. I cried myself after bringing my kids to school. Angry at no one but myself. I wish I could do more. Why can’t I provide more? Better life to my kids.

Last night, I could not feel my feet having walked all day and tiring myself to death at the nearly 4 hour hospital wait. I fell asleep crying, hugging my kids.

Today, I spent a few minutes staring at my swollen eyes. And regretting crying. Depression ng kalokohan mo! Ano ka? Mayaman? Ano ka privileged? I slapped myself with the truth that depression is a luxury I cannot afford and instead of drowning myself in self pity, I should count my blessings.

I’m lucky I didnt get sick. 

I’m lucky my boys didn’t get sick.

I’m lucky it happened during school holiday when I already have applied leaves.

I’m lucky I have the most understanding boss in the world.

I’m lucky I can work from home.

I’m lucky I have my boys to hug and kiss everyday.

I’m blessed.

And that’s the truth.