When reality strikes

Between 1-7 years old, believe it or not, accepting autism is much easier.  They are babies. When they laugh at nothing, it’s cute. When they have meltdowns, you can control them. You’re stronger. Taking care of them is easier. Trust me. Because it goes harder.

They grow up. And you grow older.

My Dandan is the sweetest kid. He loves kissing. Hugging. Giving the sweetest smiles. He looks at me so innocently. So loving. In my heart I know he loves me. He can’t tell me. But I know he does.

He is very patient. Very kind. Very gentle.

But he is just human. He has needs. He has wants. And he can’t tell me. He can’t communicate. And like any human he gets frustrated. And angry.

And when he is angry he hurts himself. Or he hurts me. Or he hurts his brother.

One time he bit his brother so bad for trying to stop him from hurting himself. I was so proud of my Yummy. Instead of hurting his brother he cried as he pulled his hand away. He understood Dandan didn’t mean to hurt him. He was expressing his anger in a way he knew. But didnt know it was wrong. I’m raising a really good young man. 

And I feel so sad for him. Yummy deserves so much more. I promised myself to never stop him from spreading his wings in the future. Dandan will be my responsibility and he should and will never hold back his brother.  But I know that he will be ther for Daniel. Because he is my amazing Yummy. Ever so responsible and reliable.

These past few days as I observe my boys I realized something. When you ask me before, given a chance to turn back time would you make the same decisions? I would say yes. Because I love my boys so much. I want them. Autism and all.

But now. Maybe not. Because it’s selfish. I’m nothing without my boys. But when I chose this life means they would have to suffer with autism and all. And I would rather be nothing.  Because I love them that much.