Status Update of Life

Work

I have come to a point in my career that it's reached the end. I'm not good enough to deserve a system to handle. Yet I'm lucky to be not fired yet. I'm not important enough to the company to deserve a seat or a desk. I've been feeling lacking for a long time now. Not much that I can do about it since my boss doesn't give me any responsibility.

I have been hating the feeling of not having anything to say when asked to introduce self because I have no system to attach myself. Floater is the term. Perhaps it's my lacking talent or just that my boss is sincerely kind hearted that she knows my priority is my family.

I feel guilty that I can't contribute enough. I feel unworthy. I feel out of place. I want to stop feeling stupid when I know I'm still good. That I can do better than others whose been given better opportunities. 

But I can prioritise my family without jeopardising my work. I thought I have proven myself. But I guess not.

I wish companies would stop the injustice on people asking for work life balance. Because seriously. It can be achieved with good time management.

Marriage

Separated but together. We fall under the it's complicated status. We don't talk. He hates me. I don't hate him but I don't feel anything either. I dunno if that's worse.

Autism

It breaks my heart whenever Mamon throws uncontrolled tantrums. Whenever he still does not react to us. I wish I have all the money in the world to enrol him to even better school or bring him to even better doctor. I wish I have enough time to be always there with him. I wish he will get better because I dunno if the world will be as patient and loving to him as we are to him. I fear for his future.

Kids

My kids are my life, I'm staying with my job despite the sadness because I need my salary. My kids are my everything, I'm staying in this marriage because I don't want my kids to grow up in a broken family.