I still wish. And pray. Everyday. That my Mamon is just delayed and not autistic. Or that if he is. It isn't severe. That he be able to take care of himself when/if we are no longer around. That the people around him be more considerate and loving towards him. That their patience be extended.
On some days, I wish I'm just dreaming. That actually he is a normal boy. Happily singing and dancing like Liam. Or nagging me. Or anything. Anything But autistic.
On some days, I still feel guilty. Was being older mom caused this? For having him so late in my life. Did IVF have anything to do this with this? For insisting on having him through IVF. Should I have just waited? For being sickly while pregnant with him. I should have taken care of myself better while I was pregnant. I should have eaten more healthy food. Was it the vaccine? I should have researched more. Was it because he fell down the bed when he was younger? Was it because I was working and I didn't have more time with him? I question myself. Frequently. I blame myself. No one but myself.
I love Mamon. With all my heart. With more than my life itself. I wish and pray this not because of anything else other than wanting the best for him. I will love him forever. I will give him the understanding that the world may not always grant him.
I pray for a miracle. I know that in this life the Lord grants us one miracle in this lifetime. And unfortunately, I used up mine when Mamon came out so much earlier than his due date. But if I can pray for another. Please Lord. Heal my Mamon.